Thanks for this article John. I agree that it would benefit us all to make this world safer for women given the corporate, individual and societal incentives that tend to uplift the idea of peak personal sexual gratification as the ultimate experience. I don't think the solution is quite as simple as speaking out since most people seem to have very differing views on what constitutes coercion, manipulation and playful dominance. That being said there are times when it feels clear that something can and needs to be said or done in a given moment when we witness women in unsafe conditions even if we are punished socially and or physically for doing so. I have suffered both consequences in defense of women and I can tell you that clarity helped me act in those situations especially in light of those imminent threats. Even so there were situations where I could have done more and that is likely true for many of us due to the lack of clarity we experienced in the moment. I think we need to have some intimate and good faith discussions to help us all gain that clarity.
Interestingly, a conversation within the space you mentioned (WE Space) earlier today centered around the question of "when is something coercion?" For me, the "move" that creates this is a silent killer:
On the one side of the "pair" of coercer and coerced, there is an unwillingness to let go of a pre-made plan: We will have sex! And the other side may feel unable (or too ashamed) to raise concerns "late in the game."
The moves that are necessary to learn how to play are the opposite: remain in "listening mode." Even if a plan has been discussed and everyone (initially) agrees, remain open to the signals (in each person!) that suggest "wait a minute, not so fast!" And then the move of the person with that experience to say, "STOP!" (and that being listened to).
If the problem is only described as "problematic" in the situation of (sexual) rape, I believe we are not seeing the full picture. This is just the proverbial tip of the iceberg. The reason our entire society is sick is because we do not have the relational structures and processes (agreements, skills, and wisdom) in place that would allow us to steer into pretty much any situation, and then take our present-moment experience to guide us through whatever snags come up.
Instead, we believe in concepts like "commitment" as the magic bullet. All I have to do is develop a "plan" (desired future state and strategy) and "commit to" executing the plan. But that's a trap. What if along the way I (or someone else involved) arrive at a place of "that wasn't such a great idea..." I then need to have the ability to put the foot on the breaks.
If in *any* domain of collaborative action I am then unwilling to listen to the concerns of the other person, yes, I am "coercing" them along...
Addendum.
Yes, All Men
I do not disagree,
https://substack.com/home/post/p-195045892
Thanks for this article John. I agree that it would benefit us all to make this world safer for women given the corporate, individual and societal incentives that tend to uplift the idea of peak personal sexual gratification as the ultimate experience. I don't think the solution is quite as simple as speaking out since most people seem to have very differing views on what constitutes coercion, manipulation and playful dominance. That being said there are times when it feels clear that something can and needs to be said or done in a given moment when we witness women in unsafe conditions even if we are punished socially and or physically for doing so. I have suffered both consequences in defense of women and I can tell you that clarity helped me act in those situations especially in light of those imminent threats. Even so there were situations where I could have done more and that is likely true for many of us due to the lack of clarity we experienced in the moment. I think we need to have some intimate and good faith discussions to help us all gain that clarity.
Interestingly, a conversation within the space you mentioned (WE Space) earlier today centered around the question of "when is something coercion?" For me, the "move" that creates this is a silent killer:
On the one side of the "pair" of coercer and coerced, there is an unwillingness to let go of a pre-made plan: We will have sex! And the other side may feel unable (or too ashamed) to raise concerns "late in the game."
The moves that are necessary to learn how to play are the opposite: remain in "listening mode." Even if a plan has been discussed and everyone (initially) agrees, remain open to the signals (in each person!) that suggest "wait a minute, not so fast!" And then the move of the person with that experience to say, "STOP!" (and that being listened to).
If the problem is only described as "problematic" in the situation of (sexual) rape, I believe we are not seeing the full picture. This is just the proverbial tip of the iceberg. The reason our entire society is sick is because we do not have the relational structures and processes (agreements, skills, and wisdom) in place that would allow us to steer into pretty much any situation, and then take our present-moment experience to guide us through whatever snags come up.
Instead, we believe in concepts like "commitment" as the magic bullet. All I have to do is develop a "plan" (desired future state and strategy) and "commit to" executing the plan. But that's a trap. What if along the way I (or someone else involved) arrive at a place of "that wasn't such a great idea..." I then need to have the ability to put the foot on the breaks.
If in *any* domain of collaborative action I am then unwilling to listen to the concerns of the other person, yes, I am "coercing" them along...