“Trust no man.”
WE must change this!
Ever since January 20, 2025 my energy has been shifting. It has seemed to me that much of the metamodern community has been missing the moment. It has seemed too detached from the real world. I recognize that it is I whose attention has moved on to other matters.
I have continued to follow the Russia-Ukraine war. I have been following the rapid move away from a healthy democracy in the USA, and the extremely problematic Trump Administration. I have been following the Canadian response to Trump led by Mark Carney and the Resistance of Charlie Angus. I have been observing events in my home province, Alberta, with growing concern.
But what impacted me most this week was the voices of some women, literally bringing me to the verge of tears at times. I will share snippets from these articles here now. I hope to have a lot more to say in coming months on the new Final Wa𝒊ve Feminism Substack.
Sophie Strand asks Do You Think I'm Being Overdramatic?
On a recent podcast interview I was asked, “What is something you held to be true at the age of sixteen that you have come back around to? That still feels true?”
I answered immediately.
“Trust no man.”
I love men. But I don’t trust them. I wrote a book all about loving them and wanting them to access older, healthier modes of masculinity.
But I don’t trust them.
This is the world we live in, a world in which it is completely reasonable for a woman to say “Trust no man.”, a world we must change.
Lissa Rankin asks When 95.1% Of Men Surveyed Anonymously Admit To Coercing Women Into Sex, Why Does Rape Academy Shock Us?
95.1% Of Men hardly needs any more comment.
I wonder how y’all are doing with all this. I, for one, am pretty overwhelmed. I feel like women are being assaulted left, right, and center with evidence of what we’ve known in our wombs has been going on all along, but people were polite enough to mostly save their misogyny for behind locker room doors. Increasingly since 2016, it is out of the closet and proud, just like those who marched in Charlottesville no longer felt the need to hide their white supremacy behind hoods.
How are we supposed to sleep, to relax, to let our guard down, to trust when we know that even our spouses might be going online to discover how to put us to sleep so they can rape us?
Take care of yourself, dear ones. These are hard times. I, for one, need a hike with my dog Moose after writing this.
Linda Caroll gives us Some needed context for the rape academy story.
Where are women safe?
Tell me one place. Just one. One universal place a woman can go and know without a single doubt in her mind, she is safe and nothing bad will happen. Tell me that place.
I can name one tiny space where women are safe, the Wisdom Exchange, an online community launched by Claudia Dommaschk where I am one of five men who were founding members.
Elayne Kalila ponders What Happens When the World Is Motherless.
For good reason, the article begins with a warning.
Trigger Warning.
A note before you begin, my love. This piece moves through tender and activating territory. If today is not the day, please put it down. Make yourself a cup of tea. Come back when you are ready. The work will still be here.
And this is where I have to stop, and turn, and speak directly to you.
The men reading this. The ones who saw the CNN headline and felt sick in your body. The ones who are not doing this and cannot imagine doing this. I love you. I need more from you. And I am going to be specific.
Your silence is the oxygen this fire breathes.
I have not been silent but my voice has been only a whisper, something I hope to change.
Addendum.
Yes, All Men
I do not disagree,
https://substack.com/home/post/p-195045892
Interestingly, a conversation within the space you mentioned (WE Space) earlier today centered around the question of "when is something coercion?" For me, the "move" that creates this is a silent killer:
On the one side of the "pair" of coercer and coerced, there is an unwillingness to let go of a pre-made plan: We will have sex! And the other side may feel unable (or too ashamed) to raise concerns "late in the game."
The moves that are necessary to learn how to play are the opposite: remain in "listening mode." Even if a plan has been discussed and everyone (initially) agrees, remain open to the signals (in each person!) that suggest "wait a minute, not so fast!" And then the move of the person with that experience to say, "STOP!" (and that being listened to).
If the problem is only described as "problematic" in the situation of (sexual) rape, I believe we are not seeing the full picture. This is just the proverbial tip of the iceberg. The reason our entire society is sick is because we do not have the relational structures and processes (agreements, skills, and wisdom) in place that would allow us to steer into pretty much any situation, and then take our present-moment experience to guide us through whatever snags come up.
Instead, we believe in concepts like "commitment" as the magic bullet. All I have to do is develop a "plan" (desired future state and strategy) and "commit to" executing the plan. But that's a trap. What if along the way I (or someone else involved) arrive at a place of "that wasn't such a great idea..." I then need to have the ability to put the foot on the breaks.
If in *any* domain of collaborative action I am then unwilling to listen to the concerns of the other person, yes, I am "coercing" them along...